FB (for Facebook Buddy, and something else)

Okay, so I’m still on in Facebook a lot. Why I can’t help it. It keeps me connected. Just seeing there are people I know logged on makes me feel…less alone. Even if I’m not chatting with anyone of them. Okay, enough with the Facebook talk. I’m here to tell you about a “new” friend. Well, he’s not actually someone I just met. I’ve actually known him for years. I mean, I know him but it’s not like we’re real friends. It’s like we’re more than acquaintances but kindof more than actual friends. Somewhere around that. So what is it about him? Well, it’s complicated. Or maybe it’s not that complicated. It’s just…I don’t know…weird?

Okay, I mentioned Facebook first because that’s where it all began. He added me as a friend one day, we chatted a bit, he got my number and so we also became text friends later on. I knew him as a pretty good person so it was all okay with me. I even feel comfortable with him. In one of our text conversations I even said hey, you can talk to me about anything. Like anything under the sun. And when I said that, it was like my way of offering my friendship. Only I think he thought of it differently. He started talking sexy and even called me up a few times. I told him it’s not like that but he’s just talking more often about sex. Or he would always initiate it. I don’t know, I’ve told him and explained I’m not up for a hook up and several times he’s apologized but eventually somehow the sex topic would always turn up again. Then I thought, okay, maybe that’s just the way he is, and there’s really nothing wrong with it, we’re all grown up anyway and it’s nothing new to me either. And I just really appreciate that at least he’s all honest with me and he’s not just putting his better foot forward. But sometimes it just ticks me off that he seems to say all the wrong things at the wrong time in the worst ways. You know what I’m saying? But  then there are also those days when he’d actually be a normal person and we’d talk about other stuff. Mostly it would be like a question and answer thing.  He asks, I answer.

THEN, a couple of weeks ago, we happened to have crossed paths and it ended up as an unexpected hook up. I never intended for it to turn up that way but that’s what happened. Wrong move, I know.

Now, after that it was still all the same. He still pings me once every now and then but I don’t know if I should keep this friendship.

Just a couple of nights ago, we were chatting and texting and chilling and then he started it again. I just really felt offended. And I told him that. I mean, the hook up was really unexpected and it just happened but I don’t want him to think I’m that kind of person and maybe he thinks I am. He said sorry and said he doesn’t think of me that way and all that but yeah, sure, like he’s still a guy. They say things they don’t mean, right?

Ugh, I’m just… argh!

I’m tired of this. Why do things always turn up like this.

Late, again.

Gosh, my morning didn’t start quite right today. I woke up at 7:29 and my class starts at 7:30. How am I supposed to get ready in 60 seconds? LOL. This is all because of Facebook. It’s slowly eating up my life. I didn’t go to bed until 5am this morning because I was too hooked! I got to class more than half an hour late. Sheesh! I really should straighten myself out a little bit.

JC

Now, now, I think this is more and more becoming a hate blog. It’s been a while since I last posted something here. And now that I finally got something, it’s about another annoyance in my life. Not good. Especially if this is just one or two posts away from That Chinky-Eyed Girl.
Okay, anyhow, this is about JC. The most self-righteous person I’ve known in a while. He’s one of my instructors this semester. While most students see him as cool, understanding and even inspiring, I see him as someone who is but convincing himself that he’s all that. He always talks about the same old crap about not judging people when he himself likes to label and classify people. He is by far the greatest living proof of the existence of oxymorons, next to me.
Oh I just hate HIM. How I wish for the semester to end.

Hah!

I just had the most vivid dream of killing my ex. I couldn’t remember exactly why I did it. But in my dream he followed me to where I am now. I guess I hated him for that because I just want to be left alone. So I killed him with a real huge knife it was almost like a jungle bolo. In my dream I took his head off and crushed his skull with my bare hands until it was powder. Then I buried his torso with the help of my entire family. I’ve never really thought about burying a dead man’s body in the backyard as a fun family activity but it was. I was just so nervous afterwards. I had to clean everything up in case the police arrives to investigate. The dream was so clear I could see all the blood.

I tried to get it interpreted and here’s what I got:

blood – it may symbolize our strengths and weaknesses and our physical and mental health. If you are currently experiencing a very difficult time in your life, you may have dreams with bloody and frightening images. Don’t worry, you may be venting your fears! The dreamer should beware of strange friendships.

killing – A dislike of someone or something. Killing somebody in a dream may denote extreme and possibly repressed anger or hostility

knife – to dream that you are carrying a knife, signifies anger, aggression and/or separation. There may be something in your life that you need to cut out and get rid of.

The ex – ex-lover is thinking about the dreamer intensely, and projecting telepathic messages towards her which she receives in her dreams.

_______

Yes, this is quite a difficult time–but it’’s always a difficult time, isn’t it?
I do hate this girl in my Photography class.
And I wonder what I need to get rid of. Maybe it’s her.
As for the last one, oh god, please!

_______

Maarte-not!

I had a really great day today. At around eleven in the morning I met up with my partner in my scriptwriting class to finish up a project. We finished half of it in probably three hours and the rest of the afternoon we just spent touring around the city eating just about whatever we laid our eyes on. We had lunch at MacDonald’s and did parts of our script there. Then at around three we couldn’t think straight anymore so we went out to check out a few places she said are cool to hang out at. We passed by an ice cream shop and I was so excited that they had my favorite–Durian ice cream! I dared her to try it while I had pistachio for myself. She won’t admit it but I knew she liked it. Haha. She seemed hesitant at first about the whole project thing with me and told me she thought I was maarte. But I proved her wrong. I told her I eat kwek-kwek and just about anything sold in the streets. She didn’t believe me. So she brought me to this really “dirty” turo-turo where all the tricycle and jeepney drivers eat. She ordered dinuguan and paksiw with rice. I guess I really surprised her when I dug into them like a construction worker. Man, I am never maarte when it comes to food. Hah.

She said she really enjoyed the day. She said she’s never seen anyone eat a burger like I do. (Because of course I put my french fries in between.)
She said she never knew you could dip your apple pie into your sundae and it would taste good. (I also told her it works just as good with banana fritters.)
She said she’s never really liked durian before.
She said she’s learned a lot from me today and that she’s glad I was her partner.
And, like just about any other person I’ve talked to in the last couple of days, she eventually asked me how old I am. And just like how I answered all the others before her who dared ask the same question, I made her guess.
She guessed 19. When I didn’t react, she said maybe I was 21. When I reacted a little bit she changed her mind again and said, no, you must be 20.
I just laughed. Man, the anti-aging cream must be really working for me! Hah.
If that’s not a really great day, I don’t know what is.
————————————————–

That Chinky-eyed girl

Hokay, call me a bitter bitch but I just have to do this. Actually, give me a break. I’m not even being bitter. Am just annoyed.

I’m hating this girl in my Photography class. I don’t know, I can’t explain it but I just hate her. She looks fine. Just another normal human face. She doesn’t look dumb. In fact, she seems smarter than most of the girls in her clique. She hadn’t done anything bad to me either. But I just hate her!

And why do I?

Maybe it’s her chinky eyes.

Maybe because she’s always kissing our instructor’s ass. Which absolutely makes me hate her twice over.

Maybe it’s because of that sickeningly sweet smile she always flashes to everyone including those who hate her. I know, I’m not alone. I’ve talked to them.

Or maybe it’s that know-it-all attitude she never fails to bring in class during lectures.

This morning, we had our practical exam. We had to take three different shots of our model within 60 seconds (and we were using only one SLR camera for the entire class so we had to take turns) and it took her like five minutes!  Then she claims her pictures might come out blurred because her hands were shaky. Excuses, excuses. Look, if your hands shake, then go take some other lessons. Just not photography.  Bitch.

Pink Shoe Day

I’m not usually an emotional person. I’m always the one left expressionless, if not smiling, in a really dramatic moment. However, for the last couple of days I’ve been so… I don’t even know what to call it. I was reading a Prologue of a book and I was crying! Man, and it was a textbook! Am I crazy or what.

I got a lot of comments about my shoes today. The girls loved my pink cross front stilettos. Hey, I had to wear it. It’s a special day today. For the first time in years I took an exam. Two, actually. And I think I did pretty well on both of them. But I’m not sure. I’m not counting chicken until all the eggs are hatched.

I’m looking forward to seeing my sisters this weekend. I miss them so much.

The Solid Mantika Emboli

This is all your fault Cristy. If it were not for your many complicated relationships, army of bad suitors, and now a huge secret passionate desire for Ron, who causes you diarrhea and temporary insanity, I would not have pondered so much on my own misfortunes and frustrations. But thank you for making me your walking/talking diary. It’s a lot of fun. Not only I have soo much to blackmail you with now, I also get to brutally honestly say yes, you do look like a porn star. This is for you. And for the ‘emo’ nights when you feel like you‘re just the unluckiest girl in the world. Read this and you’d realize that you’re not. There’s actually two of us.

I have not always been and not always am a ball-buster, you know. I was also once naive and have been ball-busted and in need of Liquid Sosa many times myself before. In fact sometimes it still happens. And when it does, all I could really do is say, “ANO YUN??”

This is The Solid Mantika Emboli, the antithesis of Guy Lines II. May even very well be the prelude.

An omnibus of wretched moments.

–

One day, for some mysterious reason, this guy suddenly acts all interested, pursues me like he means it, and then one day, not knowing I was just an earshot away he tells his friends,

“Hindi ko naman talaga sya gusto. Nainggit lang ako sa inyo kasi nililigawan nyo sya. Niligawan ko na rin.”

Is that right. Is that how it works with you guys? You go after whoever your friends are after just so you won’t be left out? Whatever happened to ‘bok, walang talo talo’? So it’s not really about competing for the girl’s attention, is it? It’s just all about competing against each other. It’s all about being the alpha male. Hmm.

Good thing I didn’t like him at all. But it was still like,

ANO YUN?

–

Guy comes up to me, introduces himself, shakes my hand, holds onto it for too long and looks at me with his signature puppy dog look. Very straight-out-of-the-oven cheesy. He follows me around wherever I go for weeks, then just when I was beginning to think he’s cute somebody tells me,

“Akala mo ba gusto ka talaga nya? Alam mo ba kung anong meron sa wallet nya? Listahan ng lahat ng babaeng isa-isa nyang liligawan at bbreak-in.”

Hah. So I was the first on his list? What could I have possibly done to deserve that?

ANO YUN?

–

Guy says he likes me, we go out, eat, hang out, talk, all the cutsie stuff. One day he goes,

“Pwede ba nating pag-usapan kung ano TAYO?”

And when I told him we really don’t have to go there yet, and that maybe we could just keep what we have without any commitment. Next day he disappears. Like he’d gone poof! Became Koko Crunch.

So tell me what happened. I mean, enlighten me. Did he walk away because I can’t commit myself? How about the real awesome friendship I thought we had, did it just go all away just like that? Isn’t it even a little baliktad? Aren’t the girls supposed to be the ones doing the relationship questions and the guys saying the less than desired answers? He’s a guy. He should have been fine with it. Besides, if he really liked me, wasn’t he supposed to stay and maybe just try harder? I mean, it’s not even like I totally dumped him, right? Is real, flat-out friendship really just a fantasy now?

So, ANO YUN?

–

Guy asks me out, we meet up, hang out, have dinner together, hang out some more, talk on the phone, text till the wee hours of the morning, he holds my hand, acts a little too boyfriend-y (and more), and even claims to love me. Chummy chummy status drags on for months and then one day, suddenly he’s with somebody else.

ANO YUN?

–

Guy always texts with a “Hi.”.

Politely, like what I do with everyone, whenever it’s possible I respond with a “Hi,back.” or “Hello”. Or sometimes he asks me how I am or what I’m doing or something. With that, anyone would assume he’s just trying to strike a casual chat, right? So of course I reply and sometimes I would ask him what’s up and he just wouldn’t reply at all! Always. He always does that. Everytime.

ANO YUN?

–

I was monkeying around with this guy friend one day saying all sorts of crazy stuff. Then his face suddenly turns serious and he says,

” Sorry, hindi kita type.”

Really, I was just kidding around! He wasn’t even my type either, but I thought we were friends enough that I could say anything without him interpreting it into something else.

ANO NAMAN YUN?

-

There’s this long time guy friend who at one point I really considered as my bestest guy friend (because really, I have no other guy friend other than him). We’ve gone through a lot of good and bad stuff. We’ve practically seen each other’s worst. With that he’s like the last person that I would be fancying about. But then one day, I don’t know why he started spreading nasty rumors about “us”. Totally fabricated stuff. I don’t understand.

So, ANO YUN?

–

There was this guy who, for the longest time, had been crushing on me. Or at least that’s what he tells my friends. Then one day he gathers up the courage to admit it and sings to me some mushy teen love song and all that shit. Then the following day he was chasing after another girl– who ironically everyone says, looks sort of like me.

So, ANO YUN?

–

Then there was this really stubborn and persistent one who would never give up on me even if I told him to just leave me alone. He tells me he’ll do anything and everything if I would jut give him a chance. So I actually stopped, listened and waited. And he did…well…nothing.

So, Ano YUN?

–

There was another guy who, also for the longest time, had been trying to tell me he likes me. Then after years of being in a haze, I finally considered giving him a chance. So one day, we agreed to meet up. Then just when I thought we got the green light, exactly two hours after we said goodbye, he had me traded in for some skinny bitch he just met.

Wow, ANO YUN?

–

See, Cristy? You are not alone! Smile! At least you look like a porn star!

Epitaph

May 11, 2009

I never really intended to celebrate my 25th birthday. I mean, why would I?  It’s just another year closer to death. What’s to celebrate in that, right? But at the last minute, one interesting thought crossed my mind and I decided to do  something special anyway. The day before my birthday, I prepared a nice little lunch for my family and it turned out pretty well. It was great actually.

But tell me, would it sound weird if I say I decided to do that ‘birthday lunch’ the day before and not on the day itself because I thought it would be really dramatic if the following day, on my birthday, I would be found dead in my room. But it’s really not about me wanting to kill myself and don’t get me wrong, I do NOT intend to off myself. It’s just the idea, which I think is wonderful… that on the same day that I was born, I die exactly a quarter of a century later, at my own pronouncement, for no real reason…it’s almost like a really emancipating thought. I know. It’s crazy. But it would have looked nice on my tombstone:

Born May 10, 1984.

Died May 10, exactly 25 years later.

In memory of a girl, who died as she pleased on the same day she was born.

And while I served lunch and sat with them, I was sweetly playing it in my head wondering what their reactions would be if they are to find me lifeless the next morning. I guess it’s more of a curiosity about what it would be like for them, I think, than an actual desire to experience death that brought me thinking about this whole thing. And though I knew it wasn’t actually going to happen, I still went through the day as if it was. Like a simulated glimpse on my last day on earth. It felt like window shopping. Laying the clothes out, feeling the texture, seeing how it fits and imagining what it would look like in my closet. All that trouble even though I know I really couldn’t afford it.

It felt wonderful.

UPians Atheists?

Summer Vacation. May 3, 2009

Earlier this afternoon, as I was trying to kill time reading an old book, I couldn’t help but overhear the radio program my grandmother was listening to in the other room. She’s a little hard of hearing now so it’s turned up quite a bit and it’s just impossible to ignore. It’s one of those cursed instances when you’re just so desperately trying to shut something out, but the harder you try, just all the more it crawls under your skin. Like maybe even if I had cork in my ears, because I’m trying so hard to ignore it I’d still hear it. Don’t you just hate that feeling.

She was tuned in to a local AM station and two female announcers were discussing something about religion. It’s one of those ridiculous shows. Judging the way they talked, they seemed more like fanatics of religion rather than real religious people. You should know those are two very different things. But after about ten minutes of “listening” I realized they can’t even be fanatics as they didn’t even know what they’re talking about. You know how people take passages from the bible and try to explain them in their own words but often they just end up screwing the real essence rather than delivering it to the listener? That’s what they’re doing. And I would have just ignored them as they aren’t exactly the only ones to commit that mistake, had they not started talking about religion AND UP.

It started when one of them quoted a supposedly famous person saying how UP taught him of a religion without god. The lady anchors, taking it literally and out of context they started berating the UP academe and how it encourages its students to be atheists. They accused UP of  being biased as it allegedly only teaches science—the theories of Big Bang and Evolution and stuff—to explain the existence of the universe and man. One of the ladies even said in such an overly confident tone that man couldn’t possibly have descended from animals because man’s DNA is completely different from an animal’s. Like DUH??!!

And though explaining and/or defending UP would be futile as it would only be a battle comparable to describing to a blind person how the sky looks different at night than in the morning, I decided to do it anyway. I just really feel the need to point some things out regarding their ill-conception of the university and its people.

To begin with, I am not a religious person. However, I was born a Roman Catholic, and though I am no longer practicing it, I personally do not have anything against it either. I was even practically raised by nuns in a private Catholic School, which obviously didn’t help much with my choices later in life. I just think it’s enough that I know what is there to know about Christianity and that I have learned what it is and what it is about. There is no need to be a slave of rituals. There is more to life than attending mass and saying the rosary. That has always been my belief even before I went to UP.

It is not true that UP teaches atheism to its students. Just like how they are not taught to be activists. (There is, by the way, absolutely nothing wrong with being an atheist. They just always say it like it’s a bad thing. It isn’t.) In UP people are merely taught or perhaps encouraged should be a more appropriate term, to THINK. Because it is when people start thinking that they realize what is wrong, what is right and what they want and from there they make choices. Being an activist is a choice. Being an atheist is a choice. Just as being religious is. It cannot be taught as it is but a consequence of a choice. It is a decision. And the great wonderful god, if there indeed such a thing exists and if he is everything like what we have always been told, should know that that is the  man he created: intelligent and with free will. And thus, deserves being given the freedom to choose.

UP is not all about science. One of its goals in fact, is to produce more well-rounded people walking the planet, which means students are trained not just to be mere scientists but to be good individuals with genuine understanding of who they really are.

UP is not against religion. In fact, masses are always held and attended here, be it to honor an old genius professor who passed away or to mourn for a student who died of hazing or committed suicide. Heheh. Kidding aside, UP, not known by many, houses some remarkable religious structures in its campuses. The St. Therese Chapel for one, was even designed by a national artist. UP also puts up the nicest life-sized Belen every Christmas-a very Catholic tradition. It also recognizes many religious student organizations.

Though it may come as a surprise, it is not in the Catholic School that I went to but in UP that I have met the most God-fearing and genuinely good people I have ever known, who I also respect dearly. See, though people in UP exercise a lot of freedom in thinking and speech, and though they, as intellectuals recognize the scientific bases of things and though they may not be of the religious-fanatic kind, it doesn’t make them atheists. It simply means they must be using to their maximum capacity whatever intelligence, talent and resources they have been given by their god. But most important of all, is that UP and its people know how to respect other people’s beliefs be it religious, political or personal. And never do they throw false and baseless accusations to people just because they disagree with what they have to say. I guess it’s what makes them true intellectuals.

Instead of feeling insulted by the radio hosts’ ridiculous statements, I felt pity for them. Poor daughters of Eve, obviously they did not go to UP. And with their level of thinking I bet they would not even qualify. And ladies, please, don’t start talking about DNA. Especially if you are not even sure how to spell it. And most especially, do not use that term just so you could sound smart to “disagree” with Charles Darwin following a statement accusing UP of promoting atheism like it’s a bad thing. That would only be an irrefutable proof of your poor or total lack of understanding of things. Besides, the differences in human and animal DNAs do not only agree but all the more support Darwin for the Theory of Evolution. Next time, spare yourself from digging a dead-end hole to your grave. Try coming up with a better argument, if you can actually do that, which I doubt. So I guess it would be best to just shut the eff up.

Lesson to learn: responsible broadcasting. Before you talk about something especially if it’s going to involve or be heard by other people, you have to make sure you know at least the most basic facts or if not at least don’t pretend to be a guru of some kind or you’d most likely end up just humiliating yourself.

Jai Ho

May 14

I went out to see some of my high school friends. Newsflash. They’re all either married, pregnant or both. Funny they actually seem happy. Which baffles me. Well, maybe they ARE happy. But I mean, come on. What’s the fun in that? That combo is like a one-way road to a dead end. Nothing but a slow, steady and guaranteed social suicide. Like watching the eternal spontaneous combustion of the self and its liberty.

Suddenly, I feel like I don’t belong anymore. And I am but left to wonder why I don’t feel even an ounce of envy. I mean, that’s what I’m supposed to feel, right? Or I should at least feel some pressure to walk towards that same path soon. Except that I don’t.

Please. I’m rather grateful that I am not even anywhere near close to considering it. There are just a lot of things still waiting for me, waiting to happen, waiting to be done. Which would be impossible if there’s all those other things in the picture. They’d just get in the way. Sheesh! Those adult stuff. Spare me. See, I’m pretty much still a mental adolescent. I still find sneaking and making out in the car exciting. They’re obviously way better than boring marital sex and changing diapers. Besides, I couldn’t even get myself to be in a real, serious relationship. How do you expect me to get into all those grown up business. I’m just way too selfish for that. In fact, I have never met a person as selfish as myself. I can only care about me that it’s impossible to even own a pet. Seriously, a cactus would die in my care.

But I like it this way for now. It’s actually one of those rare times when I’m more than glad not to belong.

A Thank You Note

As much as I want to regret your being part of my life, I couldn’t. That would be unfair to you. All the things that have happened—the bad, the worse and the unpublishable—I cannot deny the fact that they have all turned me into a much better person. Better than I could have ever expected.

If it were not for you I would not have realized sooner how loose a cannon ball I was turning into. A realization that made me stop before I completely self-destruct and destroy everything around me. Except maybe you. You were already a walking disaster from the start. I couldn’t possibly have done worse.

If it were not for you I would not have realized that life with someone like you was not the life I wanted to live. Which made me re-calibrate my standards. Now I have a clearer picture of what I really want. And it doesn’t include someone even remotely close to you. I have sort of developed an antibody for your kind. I got enough to last me seven lifetimes.

If it were not for you I would not have wanted to have a change of scenery, thus bringing me to where I am now. The best thing that has ever happened to me in ten years. Seriously. If you haven’t chased me out of that dark tunnel, which seemed like home sweet home to me then, I would not have found the exit and discovered there’s such thing as outside, where I actually belong.

If it were not for you I would not have a better appreciation of how good life is without you. Which I realized, I want to keep that way. Like a parasite you clung to me and always drained me half-full. With you out of my system, I felt relieved and whole again. I bled for a while but it was nothing compared to what you could have done if I allowed you to hang on a day longer. You would have killed me eventually.

Without you, I wouldn’t have wanted to get my ass up and leave, which consequently led me to doing something ultimately better. You never failed to make me feel so…cheap. I guess because simply being with you is. And in my desire to prove myself I could do better than that, I DID better than that.

Truly, I can’t thank you enough. Nobody else could have done a better job.

Are you?

Just a random blast of neurons:

There was this guy earlier who kept pacing outside the room. He was wearing a blue shirt that says at the back, Are We Really Thinking?

Then I remember a popular shirt in elbi that says: I Think, Therefore, I am from UP, an offshoot of Rene Descartes’ famous quote.

I smiled.

Today I Went Back to School

This morning was my first time to attend a class in a very long time. The last time I actually sat in front of a professor was 31 months ago in a totally different setting. And today, as I tried to blend in and become invisible, hoping I would be just another face difficult to remember, I got just the exact opposite.

See, summer vacation’s over but unwanted signs of my all-day beach escapades are still all over my face that I had to somehow, er, disguise it. I used a handkerchief to discreetly cover my disgustingly flaking nose and parts of my overbaked face.

And the sickeningly giddy professor, as if he’d never seen a person with a hankie before, took full notice and started talking to the class about it. So ridiculous! He seemed so curious why I had the hankie and asked if there’s something wrong with my face. Suddenly the spotlight was on me. Which I hated. I mean, what does he even care? I wanted to scream FUCK OFFFF!!! in his face. But instead I inhaled deeply and simply said,

“Can you just go ahead and do your thing?”

Still he went on and and on and even asked where I was from. Unbelievable. You know what, I really should have screamed LEAVE ME ALONE. That was it. I snapped and I said,

” You know, I’d really rather not talk about ME.”

And only then that he got the cue. Next thing I knew he was profusely apologizing. Like I wasn’t even sure if he was being sarcastic or he’s really just a total loser. And I was like rolling my eyes already, thinking okay fine, whatever. Shut up. Enough already! You’re just making a huge deal out of nothing. It’s just a fucking bad sunburn. Everyone’s staring now. Puhlease! Damn it!

So much for blending in and invisibility.

Kathy Lieza Manila

Vicky Cristina Barcelona. For some reason it reminds me of Kathy. She could be Vicky and I’d be Cristina. I don’t know if it’s just the really strong coffee that I just had but this is actually the only movie without car chases and flying bullets that has kept my heart rate up all throughout. I love it, what can I say. And it’s really rare that I appreciate movies of this genre. This one is raw, liberated, artistic and quite very honest, capturing a lot of things that are really hard, if not impossible to put in words. About love, life and the little details in betweeen that make it all complicated.

“…I love him…but I’m not in love…”

Almost A Birthday Wish Come True

I spent my birthday with Michael, how about that. I counted down to it with him right there with me and didn’t sleep till morning. I wanted to make up for all the lost time. Man, that was like months and months and months of not seeing him. But all that time of holding up and waiting is finally over. And it’s totally worth every minute of it. My bed is just soaked up in drool.
Screw the knight in shining armor and his stupid white horse. I don’t want to be whisked away into the sunset, off to a castle in a land far,far away.
I want an engineer-slash-convict in a car napped vehicle, who has a knack for breaking in and out of maximum security buildings. He shouldn’t have a problem getting me out of my padded cell.

Lisabella

Where I live right now is a place where the Cullen’s should build a village or something. Seriously, they should be here.

The sky hasn’t cleared since I arrived, which was like five days ago already. It’s been dark skies and rain all week and even when things lightened up a little bit, there would still be clouds, thick blanket-like clouds covering the sun. It’s so windy, wet and cold. I practically live in my jacket now.

It’s depressing. I’m starting to look anemic. If this won’t stop it won’t be very long before I start pouncing on people.

 

Lisape: The Banishing Chronicles

I would be in exile for the next couple of years and it starts today. Or more like now. And so I plan to take into account each and every excruciating (and not-so excruciating) detail of it for what ever good it may serve the world. If there would be any. Which I doubt.

Anyhow, here I go:

Day 1

I was on the bus for ten hours, which should have been just seven, eight at the most. TEN fucking hours! Jesus. What a pain in the butt-literally.

They say a major bridge crumbled down or something that all vehicles had to be detoured to a steep dirt road along a death cliff and apparently it would be safer if the passengers would get off the bus, do a little trekking on a much friendlier trail and just hop back on it where the road gets better. Not exactly convenient but it’s not like we had much choice. Besides I personally didn’t want to risk dying while hanging on to some tree branch screaming for help.

But while I was walking in virtual darkness with about forty other passengers, there was a sudden…

SPLOSSH!!

I accidentally walked on over a huge puddle of muck. Great. Just great. So much for my ‘safety’. I might as well have fallen off the cliff. And why did I even choose to wear flip flops on this trip. My, I have a real talent for making the wrong choices at the worst times. A foot mud bath in the middle of I don’t even know where. How perfect. 

WHY didn’t anybody say anything about a fucking quicksand in the middle of the fucking road?????!!!!!!

Good thing there was running water nearby where I got to wash my feet. Still it’s not a very good sign. I haven’t even reached my destination and this happens. Wet feet on day one. Not good at all.

 

Day 2

(early morning)

I was awakened by the sound of rain. Waitaminute. Isn’t it supposed to be summer right now? Yeah, summer. Like no rain, all sunshine, birds singing—that kind of thing? Why is it raining? I more expected to see bright sunlight coming through the window, not this. It’s practically raining cats and dogs.

Rain. Clouds. Thunder. Water. Puddles of… I remember yesterday’s incident and instantly felt grateful that I am now here in bed under the comfort of a thick heavy blanket, undisturbed and most importantly my feet are just so very safe from any form of unwelcomed moisture.

Could this be some kind of a sign? But a sign of what? I don’t know. That there would be blessings to come, perhaps? You know how they always say rain is a blessing from the sky. Nah, I don’t think so. At least not for me. It always makes me feel uncomfortable. So could it be a sign that things ahead would be sad and gloomy? I hope not. Or maybe it really simply means I could just stay in bed the whole day. There’s nothing to do anyway. Yeah, maybe that’s just what it is.

(noon)

When I got out of bed I noticed a small round orange object on the floor. I took a closer look and realized it’s orange. A fruit. How odd. Fruit. On the floor. Am I missing something here? I could tell it’s been there for a while  now because it’s starting to have brown spots on it. But it’s not like it’s all dried up and wrinkled so I’m guessing 5-7 days. But what the hell’s it doing there. Nobody’s been using this room for years now. Hmmm… so I picked it up, put it up by the window sill and honestly completely forgot about it after 2 seconds.

(late at night)

I was on the bed lying on my stomach doing something on my computer when I realized the bed was…shaking. It shook pretty good for probably 5 seconds or so and then just stopped. For a second I thought it was just an earthquake but there’s also something about the room that told me it just might be something else. Like, I was hoping…uh…Emily Rose stuff, maybe? I love that movie. Or maybe little green monsters playing villain under the bed? Or maybe the It? Or my secret fantasy, the perverted Mr. Hollow Man? Anyway, just to make sure, I called my mother who stays at our other house just a few meters away and asked if they experienced anything like an earthquake over there and she answered with a firm “No.”

Right. So just what exactly caused the bed to shake then..? Geez. What is this place? Am I suddenly living in the House of Creeps? I know this isn’t exactly what you’d call a well-maintained house and it’s got its cracks on the walls and some leaks on the roof but paranormal activities? Man. That’s… that’s…wow.

I looked up at the window and saw the slowly rotting orange I found earlier. And then it dawned on me. Could all this have anything to do with that innocent-looking fruit? Could it in fact be something that actually belongs to the little black dwarves under the bed and could it also be that they’re just trying to teach me a lesson for taking what’s not mine? Wow, very Pinoy Klasiks, eh?

City girl goes to a far-flung province and unintentionally upsets some unseen creatures, who then in vengeance would continue to make her life miserable until she figures it out and then she along with her friends and family would plot to wipe out the poor beings even though it’s been all her fault all along. Creatures get massacred, girl lives and goes back to the city.

Which doesn’t sound fair at all but that’s how it is.

But hey, if that is the case, well then they should at least acknowledge the fact that technically I didn’t really take it, I just moved it. I wasn’t even interested. See, it’s still up there! Oh, right, maybe they’re mad because I placed it up where it’s hard to reach. Right, because they’re small people. Oh. Why haven’t I thought of that. But is shaking the bed absolutely necessary? I can put it back. Why can’t they just ask for it back nicely? I mean, it’s not even like it’s my problem that I can’t see them, is it?

But instead of plotting out to exterminate them I think maybe I should just go with getting a nice little basket and filling it with oranges as some kind of a peace offering or whatever. And maybe I should also put in some of those baby oranges sold in the streets in bunches. I’m sure that would be a great idea. They might even love me for it and give me a Supernatural visa or something.

Jeez. It’s not even three days and I’m already talking to myself about a probable misunderstanding with my apparently invisible housemates. And scheming about bribing them at that. Great.

I have a feeling this whole exile thing would be far more interesting than I expected.

 

Day 3

Or maybe not.

I learned there had been an earthquake last night after all. My mother was just too busy to notice. Sigh.

Care for some baby oranges?

 

Day 4

There’s even more rain today.

I watched Gladiator for the umpteenth time for added gloom and emotional torture. And that’s just exactly what I achieved. Halfway through the movie I was already depressed and suicidal.

I honestly thought of jumping off from the third floor of our house. Only we don’t have a third floor. We don’t even have a second.

 

Day 5

I thought it was going to be just me, myself and I today at home, alone, curled into a ball on the couch watching DVDs till my eyes fell off their sockets.

Apparently not.

I was two episodes away from the Prison Break second season finale when my mother came knocking in grumbling something about my father. Looks like they fought (again) or something. Big news. Honestly I didn’t really pay much attention because I had a feeling I’ve already heard the story before and I’m like, let’s face it, it’s not something that I can do something about anyway. So I just let her do her thing. Yak it out or whatever. And I know as always it’s not her fault and all that but for sure this too, shall pass. Whatever it is this time.

It’s my father. As he got older he started having bad temper issues and mother who happens to be a very sensitive creature by nature, will always be his prey. They’re like yin and yang inside a shaken soda can. But it’s not like there’s physical violence or anything like that. Thank god. It’s just really pretty much about snapping at each other and then going on cold war for 5 minutes. Then they love each other again. Sheesh!

Day 6

Nothing today.

Day 7

Today is like Domestic Diva Day. For the first time in ten years I cleaned the house. I decided this place is not for the creepy and crawling and neither it is for the unseen so I was just as determined to make the house livable again for humans.

And I made dinner. One thing that I love about this place is almost everything I need, I can practically find in the backyard.

Day 8

At last! I’m hearing cocks crow. The weather has finally improved. And an even more amazing thing is that it’s not even 6 o’clock and I’m already up. I’m talking about 6 in the morning. Not US time. Wow, I’m definitely back in the right time zone. I just wonder if this is gonna be for good. Hah.

Day 9

There’s a very bad thunderstorm tonight. Electricity was going in and out for like every ten minutes that I decided to just shut everything down and just go to bed. Argh! It’s not even ten o’clock. Welcome to Cullenville.

Day 10

My sister arrives later today. I’m excited. And tomorrow my other sister would be here, too! They’re all gonna be here for the Holy Week. I hope the weather stays good.

 

Tower, Please

Beer. A lot of beer. That, man, is what I badly need right now. I would like to drown myself in the magnificent golden liquid and just forget about this cruel world.

One of the hardest things to do in this world is to expect. Even harder is when you expect for something because it was offered and you got promised and it’s not even because you asked for it.

One day you were there just doing your own thing then somebody proposes with a very attractive deal that’s quite hard to pass up on that you actually considered went all out for it, sacrificing a few good things you already have yourself, thinking it would be for the best anyway. Then later when you’re all psyched up and good to go, you get a feeling that you’re not really going to get what you bargained for. Suddenly you feel like you were duped. Just when you think everything’s all set you find yourself practically back on the negotiation table. Which also means: there goes everything down the drain. You start talking to yourself and say you should never have fallen for it in the first place. But how can you not? And what happens now that it’s too late to go back and too hopeless to move forward?

Beer. A lot of beer.

Flat Out

Who ever said life is a wheel, I couldn’t agree more with. And I wouldn’t have all the conviction if I haven’t been there. Down, up, over and under. Rolling up, rolling down, rolling forward and further.

But right now I’m just at a time when I seem to be at the bottom and it just got flat. Everything is getting heavier and heavier by the second. I am sinking fast in a rut and I have a feeling that this one’s not gonna be easy to come out of.

This is so unfair. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but things are just falling into all except the right places. Everything is just so WRONG. It’s mind altering crazy.

Spilling it out won’t even help because I know for sure nobody’s going to understand. Hah. Like what I’m doing right now is any more understandable to anybody. But who cares.

I feel like crying buckets. But I can’t possibly do that. See, the wheel’s gone flat. It means it’s gotta have a hole or something somewhere and if I start crying my tears would start seeping in and I’d drown in it. I don’t want to die by drowning. Especially in my own tears. That would be ugly. And gross. Right, there are better ways to die. But whatever those are, though I’m real down today, I don’t intend to pick one just yet.

I guess I’d just have to simply let nature take its course and wait until it fixes itself up and starts rolling again. Just like how it always does.

I Tried Not To Ramble But Was Unsuccessful

I’ve been stuck in this freaking apartment for four days straight now. I honestly think I’m starting to hear the walls talk to me.

The family in the flat adjacent to ours, who also happens to own the rest of the residential compound, suddenly decided to do a major renovation to their space. Unfortunately we were sharing a common wall in the dirty kitchen so it had to be completely torn down  and totally reconstructed. From what we were told, everything would be done in two days. It was just a small portion of the apartment so it didn’t seem like a problem at first. But it’s been like what, over a month now and I haven’t seen much of a progress except for some barely useable, hardly recognizable “foundation” for the new sink. Prior to that wall concrete being plastered on there, we had to live with a temporary wooden wall and a makeshift sink for several weeks, which makes this whole shit wa-a-aay more than a month long now, actually.

I hate this. Sand is just everywhere! I’m practically breathing dust as I type. Not to mention it’s also excruciatingly noisy during the day because of all the hammering and god knows what else they’re doing out there. But of course it’s impossible for me to leave because the construction people need access to the premises. But I have to put up with it because I just want all this to be done and over with as soon as possible.

It’s just unbelievable that today I sat and waited the whole day, yes the ENTIRE fucking day (I even left the doors open wide so they won’t have to knock in case I doze off or something) only to find out that they didn’t even intend to do as much as take a look. This whole thing is sending me over to the edge,really. I’m no longer even sure if this is dust or it’s in fact, smoke coming out of my nose and ears as I may be very well on fire right now. I am just so frustrated.

One more day spent in this freakin’ shit hole and I’m really ready to bite somebody’s head off.

Stardust

“ I was once told that love, like grief eventually fades. And when it does, it is replaced by something more exciting. And what could be more exciting than love? I don’t know. I honestly don’t. But there has got to be something. I just don’t know it yet.”

Good Boys, Good Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do When I Come For You

When I was younger, I used to think and believe that ONLY bad boys are hot and fun to be with. I even used to see myself only going out with them “wrong” kind of people. But I guess that’s a normal part of being a not-knowing-any-better youngster.

I was never into the good ones. I just wasn’t. I don’t know but there’s just a certain  irresistible appeal to day-old beard and dirty, faded, week-old jeans(which the so-called good boys don’t have) that I just find it so hard to pass up on. And that’s probably one reason why my dating life is pretty much fucked up right now.

There was this young cassanova who I was with for just a very short while. He had the bad boy formula really going on. Not entirely uncharming, funny, smart and confident, chick-magnet (even my friends were crushing on him) and not to mention he’s a greek, which takes care most of the “bad” part. He’s an excellent kisser and always had condoms in his car. When we were seeing each other, he was actually technically still in a relationship and he admitted that it has only been jeopardized by his two-timing (note: not with me). But even with all that, I still found him…well…charming.

Then there was this real bad one who I went out with once. He’s a military academy kick out (so just imagine how a real jackass he must be). But he’s real smart, real funny and tall and dark and sexy and hot and jeez…how can I not say yes? I even skipped a day’s work just to be with him.

Then of course there was the beach boy who had long hair, listened to Bob Marley, grew his own marijuana and has practically tried everything. And should I tell you he also had a another girlfriend when we were “together”. He’s probably that one person who, up until this day, makes me ask myself, WHY? It’s not that I regret it. In fact he’s one of the most fun to be with ever. It’s just that he is like the most WRONG person that I have ever been with.

There are a few other not-so-goody-goody fellows on my list, but I think there isn’t any more a need to talk about them as I seem to have pretty much established my point here, which is, I AM indeed a magnet for the wrong kinds of guys. Or make that the other way around. It’s me who seem to be strangely attracted to them. Or maybe it’s both. Or whatever.

But now that I am starting to grow older (and hopefully mature to go with it), I think I just might start reconsidering (and possibly change) my point of view on this whole bad-boys-equate-to-hotness thing and give the good boys a chance. I was thinking if those bad ones were my Plan A and they’re not exactly turning out as I have imagined maybe I should start moving on to Plan B. Consciously ending the bad-boy phase of my life may be the best idea I have ever thought of yet.

I said I just might. I am not exactly a goody-two-shoes myself, y’know, so I don’t know if it would actually work out. But who knows.

Alright, now I am seriously thinking of putting up a sign on my door.

Vacancy: Good Boys. Apply Inside.

Odd Fact # 111

I have this funky thing for cars’ plate numbers. Particularly for the number 111. Whenever I see one, I declare it as an official lucky day for me and I know things ahead would be good. Or sometimes, if I know I’d be going out, before I leave the house I’d make a little wish and if I see a car with a 111 plate any where along the way, I look at it as a sign that my wish would be granted. I do that too sometimes when I need to decide on something. I know it’s silly. But in its own little way it almost always makes me think positive.

Even some of my friends have caught the number bug from me.  My friend actually just sent me an SMS and it said,

“Woi liz.. Hehe.. La lang, ginaya na kta.. Naalala kita pag nakakakita ko ng plate number na magkkatulad ng number. Un sayo, 111 ung tinitingnan mo di ba.. Hehe..Naiisip ko magging maganda araw ko.. Hehe.. Lalang.”

“…Kaadik talaga! Pero yung saken kahit ano number natutuwa nako. Nung nagpunta ako SM, may 4 vehicles ako nakita na ganun. Ansaya ko tuloy. Hehe…”

Right. I am so addicted to it that I told myself, when I’d have my own car, my first choice for the plate would be III-111. Or if not,  it’ll be ZZZ-222 or SSS-555.

I told you I have a thing for balance and symmetry. And it’s retarded but what the hell, I like it.

Bossa Hunter

I’m listening to my bossa playlist. And I don’t know why but it’s making me smile. I guess it kindof reminds me of something (or someone?) from the not-so-distant past. But that’s a whole different story. I’m here to talk about my newfound favorite.

I never would have downloaded all this stuff hadn’t my brother-in-law asked me to do it for him. He’s quite busy and doesn’t have the time to sit around and download stuff. He actually specifically asked me to do a compilation of VST&Company songs in bossa. Hah. I didn’t even know who they were and that they actually existed until now. I learned that  it’s a Vic Sotto group of singers way back in the 70’s or 80’s or whatever. (Hey, that’s a slice of pop culture slash Philippine music history right there. We do learn a little bit of something everyday, indeed. Cool, huh?)

I thought it was just going to be a few clicks on Limewire and that’s it so I said sure, I’d do it. But I thought wrong. It wasn’t easy. I had to do some research and get a list of their song titles and look for them one by one. Trust me, I spent an entire afternoon trying. I tried the song titles, the artist, the album names, even different combinations, only to return with zero(0) results found. It’s either I’m doing something really wrong or what I’m looking for simply doesn’t exist. Or maybe it’s classified, top secret or whatever.

So I ended up having two playlists. One is the VST&Company originals and another one with an entirely different list of bossa songs by different artists. I got Lost In Space, Sweet Child of Mine, and Welcome to the Jungle, among others—all in bossa. Which are really cool. I’ve never heard these songs rendered this way.

I still haven’t burned anything yet as I’m not sure if my brother-in-law is cool with what I was only able to come up with. But either way, I’ve decided to keep them in my hard drive. I kindof learned to like them. And today is Bossa Afternoon for me.

Guy Lines II: The Liquid Sosa Collection

This is a sequel to my blog entry, Guy Lines, which is a collection of banat-like lines that guys have, believe it or not, actually used with me. This time however, it’s going to be my lines against theirs.

These are very true and actual conversations. Some from a long time ago (way before all those hirit texts became a favorite for spamming) while some are so very fresh from just last week.

What, you think only they can do that? Watch me.

 

Guy: Pwede ba kitang dalawin?

Me: Ba’t ka dadalaw. Hindi pa naman ako patay. Isa pa, wala rin akong sakit.

 

Wasaaakk!

————————————————–

Guy: Anung number mo?

Me: Bakit, loloadan mo?

 

Naman.

————————————————–

Guy: Labas tayo.

Me: Bakit.

Guy: Wala lang. Get together lang.

Me: Ang nagget-together, yung mga close friends. Close ba tayo?

Guy: Hindi yon…labas lang tayo.

Me:  Game. Lalabas nako. Labas ka na rin. Ayan nasa labas na tayo. Mainet! Tara pasok na tayo uli.

 

Ampffft!

————————————————–

Guy: …kaya pala basta mo na lang ako iniwan.

Me: Excuse me. Wala akong iniiwan. Baka mabagal ka lang. Kung hindi ka makahabol, hindi ko na prublema yon.

 

Woooh! Yea!

————————————————–

Guy: Sine tayo! Sige na, samahan moko.

Me: Bakit, wala ka bang friends?

 

Ayusin kasi.

————————————————–

Sa gimik: chat…chat…

Guy: so…ilang taon ka na?

Me: Ah, marami na.

Guy: A..a-ako rin e…

 

Napaisip tuloy.

————————————————–

Guy: …I hope to see you soon.

Me: You hope.

Guy: Yes I do hope to see you again.

Me: Hope. Hope was all that’s left in the box after all the demons were let loose. Hope is overrated.

 

Ayun hanggang ngayon baka nagho-hope pa rin.

————————————————–

Guy: Anung birthday mo?

Me: Bakit, magreregalo ka?

 

Sports car! Yung red!

————————————————–

Me: Anung nangyare sayo, bat ganyan itsura mo?

Guy: Wala kasi akong gf. Walang nag aalaga saken.

Me: Gf? Hindi gf ang kailangan mo. Yaya.

 

O caregiver kaya…?

————————————————–

Guy: May landline ka?

Me: Meron na e. Ahente ka?

 

Wireless? Wireless itu?

————————————————–

Guy: San tayo?

Me: Tayo? Walang tayo.

 

Joke joke

————————————————–

Me: What’s for breakfast?

Guy: I’m making pancakes.

Me: I love pancakes with lots of butter and syrup on it.

Guy: Sounds good.

Me: Will you be my pancake?

 

ooooha. ooooha.Syrupan na!

————————————————–

Guy: Kamusta. Anung balita?

Me: Wala. Gusto mo gawa tayo ng nagbabagang balita.

 

Breaking News!

————————————————–

Guy: Gusto mo ng cake?

Me: Nagbebenta ka na rin ba ngayon? Pati cake?

 

Totoink totoink!

————————————————–

Guy: Paramdam ka naman!

Me: Bakit, wala ka bang maramdaman?

 

Anaesthetized???

————————————————–

Me: I know the goal of us being friends have been set but sometimes you still manage to make things hazy. You’re over reacting and you don’t have the right. So why don’t we just exercise the lack of rights. Maybe it would help draw the line and set the boundaries of this relationship.

Guy: Relationship? Diba we’re just friends. Bakit ganyan ang sinasabi  mo?

Me: Relationship as friends! You know…like mother-daughter relationship? Father-son relationship? Hello?

 

Duuuuhhh????Dapat kasi pala tagalog na lang.

————————————————–

Guy: San ka nakatira?

Me: Sa bahay. Ikaw, sa bahay ka rin nakatira diba? Pareho tayo.

 

Housemate?

————————————————–

Guy: I know…I’m sorry…(for being stupid)…yaddah..yaddah..yaddah…

Me: It’s okay, don’t say sorry because that’s you. You don’t say sorry for who you are.

 

(…stupid!)

————————————————–

similar scenario, different person:

Guy: (saying sorry for saying something stupid) yaddah..yaddah..yaddah…

Me: No, it’s okay, it actually just shows what’s really going on in your head. And maybe that’s just what you really are…

 

(….no good!)

————————————————–

Guy: Tulog ka na?

Me: Nope.

Guy: Ah. onga pala, nocturnal ka nga pala. Anung ginagawa mo?

Me: E di kung anong ginagawa ng mga nocturnal.

 

Dapat kasi natutulog nalang.

————————————————–

(Take note: Guy is NOT a bf. Not even anywhere near being one.)

Guy: Bat ang sungit mo? Eto naman, naglalambing lang e.

Me: Maglambing ka sa dingding. Ano ka pusa?

 

Ayan, kase…

yoko pa naman ng pusa.

————————————————–

And the last but not the least, is my favorite winning line: (it’s actually not mine but my friend Fides’ )

Guy: Nahuhulog na yata ako sayo…

Fides: Ah ganumba. Sorry ha, hindi kita masasalo.

 

Laglag ka boi!!

Summer Sailing

It’s break-up season. As soon as Valentine’s Day is over, couples begin to secretly find or create reasons for temporarily breaking up (or cooling-off as they sometimes call it). Actually it’s really just an excuse to make way for their summer flings. Hey, it’s not like it’s a bad thing. Who hasn’t had one, anyway? Everyone has had a summer fling one way or another. See, it’s just a phase. Some kind of a breather.  It’s meant to be fun and spontaneous. And short-lived but memorable.

I call it sailing time.*

*Sail Away

That Mysterious Kzzzt!

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder, could mental telepathy actually be real?

Some nights ago, for some unknown reason, with like a sudden jolt of electricity that hit me, I remembered a friend from way back in college and I just couldn’t stop thinking about him. We haven’t seen each other for some time now and we haven’t talked either. The only line of communication I have with him now is through SMS. We practically just send forwarded messages to each other, which very rarely even happens.

The entire night I was only thinking about him. It’s like involuntary! I really don’t know why because before I had that mysterious kzzzt there was totally nothing, and I mean nothing I’ve seen or heard that might have reminded me of him. It was like literally coming out of nowhere. It’s crazy. I fell asleep with him in my head.

The next morning, when I picked up my phone and checked my messages there was one from him. Wow, after months of no messages at all. There he was, making felt of his presence. Was it coincidence or did he have the same jolt of mysterious electricity run through him the night before?

The following night I got another forwarded message from him. I know, it’s just another forwarded message. Everything from him is just another forwarded message. But why did it happen at such a time when all the weird things are going on in my head because I couldn’t figure out why he suddenly invades my thoughts.

I just wonder. Was he thinking of me the night I suddenly remembered him? Or did my thinking of him made him think of me in return making him send me a message the next morning? Did I make him think of me or was it actually the other way around? Wait, so then who was really thinking of who first? Sheesh! I can’t believe I’m actually dissecting all this. Don’t blame me. This is actually not the first time. In fact it always happens. Some time ago, I also happened to have blogged another similar incident. (Read it)

It’s like when I think hard about someone, there’s like an almost immediate response from that person even though I was just thinking and not even doing anything! It’s like hey, I was just thinking of this person and he suddenly sends a message or something that sometimes I say to myself, am I thinking aloud again? But even if I were, nobody is still supposed to know, right? So that’s what drives my paranoia. I’d be like, how did he know? Was I in some way unconsciously sending out a telepathic message to him? Are my thoughts actually affecting his? Jeez. I know I sound like a nutcase. But sometimes it does give me the creeps. Especially when I’m talking about people that I have not seen or talked to in a long time. And then they’re just suddenly there. Because I thought about them.

Am I some kind of psychic or what?

I swear I would not…no…never, ever even DARE think about dead people from now on.

Touching down

I’ve just finished watching Any Given Sunday. I got the original DVD copy as a freebie when I got this laptop. I never really paid attention to it until tonight. See, that’s what happens when you have nothing better to do—you rummage through your stuff until you find something interesting enough to kill your time with. And since this is an entertainment laptop right here, I thought what the hell, let me pop in that disc and let’s see what this guy can actually do. And I wasn’t disappointed. The resolution was awesome, the video ran smoothly and continuously without skips or anything like that (man, this is a serious machine) and the audio was pretty good for a built-in.

Now let me get back to talking about the movie. It’s just a little bit odd because it’s a hard core sports movie and I am not into anything sports at all. Trust me, I know nothing, nada, about sports. So it’s a real surprise that I actually finished it and liked it even.

I honestly couldn’t care less about what was going on with the games in the movie. I understood not one bit of it. But what kept me from ejecting the disc and folding the screen over was because more than being a movie about sports it’s also a movie about life in general. Only it speaks in the language of sports, football to be exact.

It shows how on any given day, we all have our own little demons inside of us that we are at war with.  That in order to survive, we have to be strong enough to stand side by side with all the others who are fighting almost the same battles, in faith that we could gather some strength from them, one way or another.

That life is in essence a game. We all have to be a team player to win because if not we are all going to lose, alone as individuals.

And that though we got different demons or challenges or fights or whatever you want to call them, at the end of the day, what matters most is that you stick with what you believe in because that’s what makes you the person that you are. However, doors to changes and new things to be learned should never be closed. And it’s never too late to start anew.

And that despite all the chaos of everyday living and of life as a whole,  as long as we play fair, if we may die out there in the field bleeding, with all the broken bones, exhausted,  it could only be a victorious death. Because that’s what life is about. Putting up a hell of a fight and giving it all until the very end.

Life is one big football game. I don’t quite understand it. In fact I don’t understand it at all. But I certainly know that just like with pretty much every thing else, the goal is to win.

Not just on any given Sunday but on any given Day, you may win or you may lose. The question is, will you do it like a man?

Wicked Weekend

Last night was crazy. It was a wicked weekend with my sisters. It’s been a while since I had that much fun. I had a really grand time.

After toasting ourselves under the sun and a quick change, we were up for the beach party scene. We went from one bar to another, talked and laughed like there’s no tomorrow, met some guys who bought us drinks, danced like hell (and I mean hell) and then ran away home (literally). Haha.

The funny part that night was when a bunch of guys joined us and the one who sat next to me introduced himself as… Paul. As soon as he said his name, we girls looked at each other and we just couldn’t help but laugh. He was like, why, what’s wrong with my name? I said oh, nothing, it’s a nice name, we like it. And my sisters were looking at me and they’re like, Paul nanaman? Your’e such a P-magnet. Haha.

So we were just there talking and laughing and this Paul guy invited me for a walk by the beach. I didn’t like the idea because it was too dark there, he’s a total stranger, and I know he’s real cute and all that and I just know exactly what it would lead to so…no. I’m not up for that kind of fun. So I suggested maybe we could just take over the dance floor. So we did. Soon more and more people started joining us. It was so crazy that one of the bar attendants got concerned. He asked me if I actually know the guy I was dancing so wildly with and I said no, but I know what I was doing. I told him not to worry. He said he’ll be keeping an eye on me just in case, which I really appreciate. But it’s not like we’re out of control or anything like that. We were just really having a good time. It was insane.

Because of the drinks, (we probably had 3 or 4 pitchers) the three of us were just whaack!!! but we swore to stay together so nothing bad happens to any one of us. I don’t remember exactly what happened after that but I do remember the three of us running away and hiding from the guys because we didn’t want to spend the rest of the night with them.

As soon as we got back to our place, we were in coma. Or at least both of them were. I still had to puke all over the place. There was orange puke on the side of the bed, on the floor and on the door.

It was craa-zy! And gross.

Banana Pancakes

I wish one day, someone would sing me Banana Pancakes. I love how it sounds and what it’s actually saying. I am not a fan of going out when it’s raining so when I heard this song I just realized it would be nice to hear it from someone who would actually mean the words.

It’s like finding someone who knows exactly what I want. And does it. Says it. Cooks it. Sings it. And means it.

Whee! Today is mush day. This is so not me.

Banana Pancakes – Jack Jonson
More at MP3-Codes.com

My Favorite Things

Everyday I seem to acquire more and more stuff to add to this list. Stuff that I’ve developed an inexplicably special inclination for. Just random things. Some of them I’ve had since I can remember and some I’ve just realized yesterday. Some may be in everybody else’s list while some are just without a doubt way out weird that they are mine alone. So I decided to write some of them down and maybe… I don’t know… maybe somebody out there who shares a thing or two in common with me, who gets to read this may smile and remember he is not alone.

1. Anything colorful. Like very simple things such as crayons. Or paint. Or a bold nail polish color. Picture books and glossy magazine advertisements. Looking at tiangge items from afar. The assortment of colors always catches my eye. Probably one reason why I am such a mall person. I love the chaos of colors I see everywhere.

2. Bright lights. The sight of the city at night when you can see all sorts of lights coming from all over. Cars, billboards, buildings, lights on the trees, lamp posts, Christmas lights. I get high just by taking a look. I’m such a visual person.

3. Staring at the sky, especially at the moon. I do this all the time. Whether I’m in the car stuck in traffic or lying on the grass in a park somewhere, it always gives me that haaay feeling.

4. Views of nature. Trees. The woods. Bodies of water. Everything about nature.

5. Symmetrical objects. Or anything that has something to do with balance or alignment. Things that are exact. Like in arranging my stuff, things have to be arranged in some kind of order. By size, name, color or whatever. Weird because I also like doing things in random. But even with that, it still has to be done evenly or in alignment with something. Like if I’d be asked to draw ten stars inside a box, I would be more likely to place them scattered evenly all over, than to put all ten of them together on one side. Y’know what I’m saying? Or if I’d be asked to choose two numbers from 1-5, I’d most likely pick 2 and 4 because one, they’re even numbers (which to me are “exact” and “balanced”) and two, because if you look at your hand, the 2nd and 4th fingers are in between all the rest. It’s hard to explain and I may not make any sense but this whole thing is inside my head almost all the time. And most (if not all) of the things I do are done according to this. Sick, I know.

6. School supplies. I have a thing for anything you can find inside a school supplies store. Most especially paper. Anything made of paper. Writing paper, Post its, notebooks. And all other stuff. Pens, pencils, erasers, scissors, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. I could just look at them, run my hands through or take a smell (yes, smell. Factory-fresh paper smells soo good!) and I’d be happy.

7. Make-up. I love my make up kit. My most favorite thing in there is my eyelash curler. And my mascara. I feel naked without them.

8. Going to the beach and getting a massage.

9. The sun. I love the sun and pretty much everything about it. I especially like it early in the morning and late in the afternoon. Sunrise and sunset. Two of the most amazing things to watch ever. I also like it when sun rays go through the car window and it fights the air conditioning. I like soaking in the sun.

10. The smell of freshly cut grass. And of gasoline fumes.

11. Eraserheads. Particularly Ely B.

12. Blogging. It’s hard to imagine what I’d be doing if this technology wasn’t invented. I’d probably be banging my head against the wall of my own private asylum.

13. TV. I love watching TV. I love crime shows. CSI, Cold Case Files, Very Bad Men and Women Behind Bars. More and more people these days seem to have grown an increased obsession about crimes. And I’m one of them.

14. The kitchen and cooking. And food.

15. Cleaning my ears. I have this sick habit of poking my ears with cotton sticks. It’s actually addicting. I do it about five times a day. And whenever I feel the urge, it doesn’t matter what time it is or what I am doing. I just have to stop and do it or I will go crazy.

16. Chocolate. One of my favorite favorite things in the world. I love chewing chocolate. I love how it feels when my teeth sink into a good chocolate bar and that feeling when it’s almost melting but because I’m chewing on it so fast it won’t actually have  the chance to totally melt. I guess what adds to the thrill of eating chocolate is the idea that I have to chase that perfect texture and that certain consistency that would happen only at a specific point. And that because if I hold on to it for too long it wouldn’t be as fun.

17. Walking. I like to walk. I believe by walking you get to discover a thousand more things than when you’re just in the car.

18. Blueberry. I love the blueberry flavor. Blueberry cheesecake. Blueberry Danish pastry. I’d say yes to a man with blueberry-flavored condoms.

19. Occasionally playing dressed up. And when I do that I do it well. I get a high from the thought that it’s just like I’m disguising myself as a totally different person. 4-inch stilettos, bloody red lips, dark eyes, mannequin clothes and a catway strut. And then I go home, take them all off and curl naked under the covers and smile to myself.

20. Reading. I love reading. Novels, Inspirational stuff, gossip, diaries, travel guides, maps, cookbooks, trivia, even nutritional facts on juice cartons.

There are ten thousand other things that I can think of but I’d probably stick with these 20 for now.

Pinnocchioville

I’m just tired of insincere people. It’s always the same. They will say one thing and then do another. Believe them and you’ll look like a fool. Ignore them and they’ll make you feel like you’re the most uncaring tightass in the world. While being there without actually taking them seriously would make you go, what’s the point? Jeez.

SSS Shit

Finally, after months and months of trying, I finally succeeded in signing up for an online account with the Social Security System (SSS). Their website is the crappiest of all!

I’ve been trying to do this so I could request for my personal record and some past employment details. It proved to be a very, very, very, very challenging mission. It’s not easy at all.

When I was still employed I didn’t get the chance to apply for an SSS ID and for some stupid reason I threw away my E-1 form. I had no idea what it was and that it’s something that you don’t wanna throw away. Hey, nobody told me!

Earlier today, though I knew I would just get another error message on their stupid page, I just had to give it another try. And lo, it worked!

I got an email with my username and password and I was able to quickly sign in and check all the information I need. And knowing that this is such a miraculous event that may not happen again in this lifetime, I frantically saved a copy of each page that I was able to open. If only I had a printer connected, I would have printed three copies of each one of them, too.

I thought it was manna falling from heaven, really! Until I checked the SSS ID Card details.

It showed: “Member Not Qualified for an SSS ID Card due to the following reason(s) :SSNO. TRANSFERRED/TEMPORARY”.

What the eff?? How can I not be qualified? transferred/temporary? It was two fucking years and over thirty five thousand bucks worth of contribution. How can I not get an ID? JesusChristMaryMotherofMercy. How dumb is that.

I am but left with only one choice. I have to request for an E-1 copy and pick up the documents from their stinkin’ office. Damn! I can’t believe they don’t even deliver like the NSO does.

I hate this. I hate it I hate it I hate it!

Moon moment

The moon looks exceptionally beautiful tonight. Maybe because it’s full. And with the summer sky behind it, it couldn’t get any more wonderful. I have always loved the sight of the moon. I could stare at it for hours at a time without getting tired at all, full or otherwise. It’s just amazing. It digs a lot of memories I keep treasured at the back of my head. Places, people, feelings and phases of my life I’ve spent under it. It’s overwhelming. I can’t explain.

Sweet Deal

I just got the Windows Live Writer 2009. New software on a new computer. Well, it’s not actually brand spankin’ new. I bought it from ebay the other day. But it’s definitely a really cool deal. I got it for less than half the original buying price. This one was originally bought in the US for around $1000. I got it for much much less than that! Really sweet. 

It’s got pretty much everything I wanted. Like the big bright screen, (yeah, I’m done with small screen computers) smooth shiny exterior, and great video and audio. Plus it has Windows Vista Home Premium for its operating system, which I love despite all the bad things people say (and I know) about it. And of course, there’s the Quick Play touch panel. Which is another cool feature because it’s an entertainment laptop. My sister has had the same model of computer since last year and I’ve always envied how good the audio is compared to my old computer. I just love the Altec Lansing built-in speakers.

The only draw back is its size. it’s a 15-incher. You can’t really be very mobile with it. But it’s okay. I can live with that. And oh, Bluetooth isn’t built in. I’d have to get an external USB adapter.

Anyway, because it’s really clean, meaning it didn’t have a lot of third party software installed except for the AVG 8.0, which isn’t bad, I went ahead  and indulged myself in downloading all different kinds of stuff from browsers to widgets and music. And yeah, this Windows Live Writer 2009 so I could just blog my heart out. Like what I’m doing now.

It’s really a useful tool for bloggers. That’s why I’ve been a fan since I learned about it. I also have this on my old computer only it has the older version. Now I have the newer version and it looks good on my bigger, brighter screen. Maybe it’s really just the computer but oh well, it doesn’t really matter. As long as it does the job, I’d be a fan. Old or new Writer.

Here’s a screenshot:

Lily

Lily of the Valley is my birth flower. It’s also known as Our Lady’s tears. (This must be a man’s flower.)

According to a Christian legend, the tears Mary shed at the cross turned into those beautiful little white blossoms. However, according to another legend, Lilies of the Valley sprang from the blood of Saint Leonard of Noblac during his battles with a dragon. (Saint Leonard who??  I have no idea. That’s just what the legends say. But that’s why they’re legends. Because we have no idea where they’re coming from.)

Other names of this flower include May Lily, May Bells, Lily Constancy, Ladder-to-Heaven, Male Lily and Muguet. (Ladder-to-Heaven?? Who the hell would name a flower like that and what was he thinking? But oh well, somebody did and so okay, fine, we’re not gonna argue. A Ladder to Heaven we’ll call it. And I thought my name was kindof odd.)

Traditionally, Lily of the Valley is sold in the streets of France on May 1. (Don’t ask me why. I’m not French) Lily of the Valley also became the national flower of Finland in 1967. The Norwegian municipality Lunner on the other hand has a Lily of the Valley in its coat-of-arms. (I don’t know what that means, either). It is the official flower of Alpha Delta Phi fraternity, Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity, Kappa Sigma fraternity, Delta Omicron fraternity, Alpha Epsilon Phi sorority, and Alpha Phi sorority. (Wow, I never realized my birth flower is so popular. But if it’s that hot why haven’t I known about it sooner? I bet you haven’t heard about it yourself-until just now.)

The name “Lily of the Valley” is also used in some English translations of the Bible in Song of Songs 2:1. They say it symbolizes the return of happiness. It actually means, “You will find Happiness.” (Now I would have to agree with that. That is something I really hope to find for myself. Which gives me an idea. Whenever you feel sad and down, you can probably send some of these flowers to yourself to lift your spirits up. But NEVER ever send one to your ex. Not even by mistake. No.

Scientifically speaking, all parts of the Lily of the Valley are highly poisonous, containing cardiac glycosides and saponins, although the plant has been used as a folk remedy in moderate amounts. If the plant is touched or handled, hands should be washed before doing anything else. (On the contrary, you may go ahead and send a bunch of them to your ex. It’s advisable to personally deliver them so you’d see for yourself how you regain happiness–in real time. The best time is in the morning when he only has his towel on. Increased surface area of contact means the faster you’ll get the desired result. Surely, if the Lillies are good enough, YOU will find happiness take its purest and sweetest form right before your eyes).

Lilly of the Valley is definitely my flower. I am it.

Holding Back

Often, holding back and later on being proven that it’s a wise decision consoles you with the idea that you just saved yourself from being hurt big time.

The sad part about it is that at one point you actually considered not holding back and now you realize that either way it hurts all the same anyway.

–Lisape,emo mode

Yesterday’s Haunting

I just might be being haunted by Time that came and went unnoticed. I feel it’s   trying to make me relive some moments for my pondering.

I can’t sleep. For the past few days I’ve felt my body clock slowly returning to normal. I’ve been sleeping early and I’ve been waking up in time for breakfast like what a normal human being is supposed to do. In fact I’ve been sleeping earlier and earlier by the day. And then suddenly without warning,  THIS!

Just when I thought I was cured my own system betrays me.

It’s not just a haunting. I’m being possessed.

Issues

It’s clear. I have self-control issues. See, uncontrollable sugar loading making me hyperactive and insomniac is one thing but impulsive shopping for junk food making me dye my own hair is another.

Earlier, I went out to have my hair done. I was thinking of cutting it really short or doing something really different. Instead I found myself at the mall, in the supermarket loading a cart with chips, pretzels, ice cream and whatever I could have my hands on. I don’t know what I was thinking. Or maybe I was not even thinking at all. I don’t understand. But I couldn’t help it. When I reached the cashier, I was like OMG did I just get myself over a thousand bucks worth of nothing really?? And I wasn’t even hungry. It’s sick.

I never got to the salon. Not with four bags of groceries and two tubs of ice cream melting.
I ended up just dying my own hair at home. Good thing it turned out fine. But that’s not the point. I really need to teach myself to be a little bit more in control when it comes to stuff like this. Or better yet to stay away from shopping carts.
But it’s not all that bad. I had a delicious discovery from today’s crazy detour. Durian ice cream! It is sooooooo surprisingly, unbelievably yummy! I got it just out of pure curiosity and I must say it’s curiosity well-rewarded. It’s totally worth it. It is so my new favorite ice cream flavor.
Oh but I still hate myself for my impulsiveness.

Hot and Cold

Change. Change. Change. Everything seems to change too often, too fast that I’m not sure if I could still catch up.
The ugly cruel world aside, going even just inside (just inside) my pretty little brittle skull, thoughts are just always changing every minute jumping from one idea to another, saying yes then no and then maybe, why not. It’s dizzying.
Decisions, decisions, decisions. Why do we have to decide on so much things? It’s not always fun.

Live Wire

Feb 27, 2009
12: 47 am.

What is happening to me? I’m so up I can’t fall asleep at all. Must be all that sugar. I had chocolate earlier. Loads of it. I finished probably a third of a medium bag of dark chocolate kisses. And two nice, good chunks of Toblerone. Not the regular one-inch thick stuff. I’m talking big triangles here. And peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. Gro-o-oan! Tell me, where did just my f*cking will power go?

I was supposed to go to a beer event tonight but for some strange reason it just didn’t really appeal to me as it would have had, two, maybe three years ago. For two minutes I really did consider going. And then I ended up saying no to myself. Very strange indeed! I may be getting old. I’m becoming more and more boring. Not that I used to be a reeaally exciting person but you know, things are just starting to feel a little more…different. OMG. I AM getting old.

I saw Pidok today. It’s nice seeing him after a while. I’m glad we’re friends. And I’m just proud to see that some of the good choices he has made recently were somehow influenced by (ahem) yours truly. I’m really looking forward to seeing his daughter.

1:15 am.

******* called. Obviously he’s already had more than a couple of drinks. I can tell it by the way he sounded the second I picked up the phone. He was at the party. The same party I was talking about earlier. He said he thought I was gonna be there and that he had hoped to see me. I was like yeah, whatever. And so did ninety nine other guys, you know.

Actually, we’ve been texting since around ten o’clock . It hasn’t been about much, really. He was just telling me how I should have been there so he could see me and all that shit. And oh, he was complaining about the booze. From what I was told, it was supposed to be a drink-all-you-can kind of thing sponsored by the college fraternity I am affiliated with. Three or four times he said that he and his friends are only being served with ladies’ drinks and that there isn’t any beer at all in sight. I was like, look, I have no idea what our guys over there are up to or what that activity is supposed to be like and most of all, I’m not even there so what do I care? So why bug ME about it, right?

At one point I was really starting to get irritated with his whining that I told him to why not just ask for it from whoever’s running the party. Go ahead and get your beer bottles yourself, you know! Or whatever. I don’t care.

******* is from a rival fraternity. He’s so not in his territory tonight so I don’t know what picture he’s trying to paint. But for the love of upholding the civilized human beings’ traditions, I texted one of my friends facilitating the party and asked if it’s true that beer isn’t being served. I was told they’d start pouring out the beer at exactly midnight. So I relayed that information on to him just so he would hopefully shut up. For a few minutes, he did.

At around five minutes to midnight he was still griping. He said beer isn’t still served. Yada yada yadah. He was so getting in my nerves that I no longer replied to his messages. What’s his problem? If he’s not having fun then why doesn’t he just drag his ass and leave and go somewhere else.

And then that phone call. It was way past midnight. In fact it was quarter past one. He said he’s already on his way home. I was like okay, whatever. He was still implying that it wasn’t much of a party because they had to wait for the beer and that the cocktail drinks were like water to them. Whine, whine, whine.

If I know, he was going home because it’s already past his bedtime and he actually got drunk from the ‘ladies’ drinks’. I know, I’ve been with him a few times. He doesn’t have that high tolerance to alcohol. And he is just a little boy with a sleepy head. So I’m not buying the tough guy act he’s trying to pull off.

I asked him who else came to the party. I was surprised with what he said. In a bad way. A really very bad way. I did not like what he said at all. Plus the fact that he laughed right after saying it.

It was something about some guy and an incident I was involved in some time ago. In a very rude manner.

I was like WoWoWWOOOOAaaaaaahhhh! Hold it right there. You just tripped on a fucking live wire.

That was it. For about five seconds I felt my ears grow hot, my eyesight dimmed and I could only hear static. I didn’t say a word. I couldn’t. How could I? It’s like being slapped hard on my face!

I was totally, totally offended. I mean, how dare he say that. And the way he said it? It was… I couldn’t even tell you how disgusted I am.

Sheesh!

Realizing what he has just done, he said sorry. He said it was a joke. But what a bad, tasteless joke it was. For one, it was totally uncalled for.

It’s not that that person and/or incident was so significant to me that I don’t want it to be brought up or mentioned again or anything like that (honestly, I couldn’t care less about it) but it’s the idea that he, who says he likces me, and who has been trying to be nice to me, deals with such things very insensitively. Just ironic. I mean you really don’t joke about that kind of stuff with people you really don’t know that well, much more with someone you’re supposedly trying to impress.

And how dare he mock me when he isn’t even any different from that guy he just also laughed at. Why, who does he think he is. He’s also just another guy I once (or twice, maybe thrice) kissed in the dark. What’s his problem.

I’m not over reacting. And it’s not about my reaction or what I think. It’s about making a point. That it doesn’t mean that I like kissing and that I have more than a handful of guys that I’ve kissed or made out with that I don’t respect those moments. I don’t joke about that kind of stuff with other people and I don’t deal with it with such mockery as he just did, because as cheesy as it may sound I would still like to leave a little room for a little respect. Which he obviously doesn’t understand.

I so hate him right now.

Guy Lines

Actual lines delivered by real-life Romeos, almost Romeos and Romeo-wannabes as experienced first-hand by yours truly, ranging from the creepiest and dumbest to the mushiest and funniest. They are however not arranged in order. You be the judge which is which. And here you go:

(On a date, after a kiss)

Me: Anong iniisip mo?

Guy: Wala. Rainbows. Rainbows and butterflies.

Ganon? Gabing gabi rainbows?

———-

Me: Oy! Kamusta? Namiss kita ah!

Guy: Ow? Pwede ba yon, e hindi ka naman nakakaramdam.

Mainet ulo? Bitter?

———

Guy: I don’t know what’s wrong with you. You seem so perfect…for me, ha.

Ah, no I’m not perfect and I’m not for you either.

———

Me: Bakit ako? Ano bang ginawa ko sayo? Wala nga ata akong magandang ginawa sayo e…?

Guy: Hindi ko alam. Yun nga e. Hindi ko rin alam. Haayy…Lisape, anu bang meron ka?

Ibalik ba saken ang tanong?

———-

(same question, same person)

Me: Bakit ako? Ano bang ginawa ko sayo? Wala nga ata akong magandang ginawa sayo e…?

Guy: Pinapasaya mo ako. I become my best when I’m with you.

Yun. Chak yon.

———

(same question, similar scenario, different person)

Me: Bakit ako? Ano bang ginawa ko sayo? Wala nga ata akong magandang ginawa sayo e…?

Guy: Yun din ang pinagtataka ko. Dahil lahat ng ayoko sa babae nasayo.

O, yun naman pala e.

———

Guy: Anu ba? ba’t mo bako ginaganito? Nasisira na ang ulo ko sayo! Literal! Eto ba? Eto ba gusto mo? Natutuwa ka ba na may nasisiraan ng ulo dahil sayo? Please naman, wag mo namang gawin sakin to. Bakit ba, dahil ba wala akong karapatan sayo? Dahil wala akong karapatan??!  Yun ba yon?

Me: Oo.

Taray! Pang FAMAS ang acting!

———-

Me: You are so… dead!

Guy: You are so… gorgeous!

Wala nang maisep. May masabi lang o.

———-

Guy: Bakit ba ayaw mo saken? Siguro kapag nabuntis kita matututunan mo rin akong mahalin.

WTF???!!

———

Me: I love you. (NOT sober, NOT serious)

Guy: I love you din. matagal na. Dati pa kita gusto. Ikaw lang kasi…

Uh, oh. Oooops!

———-

Me: So this is what it’s all about, huh? Is it just about the sex? Is that it?

Guy: No, it’s not even like that. I like you. I want to help you…

Huh?! Help? What help? Mukha ba akong kawawa?

———-

Guy: May aaminin ako. Nakakahiya e. Naalala mo yung mga hinihiram ko sayong mga VCD dati? Hindi ko naman talaga pinapanood yung iba dun. Meron naman kasi ako. Kaya natatambak lang sa bahay. Para lang may dahilan na makausap kita at makapunta sa inyo.

Woa. Weird, huh.

———-

Guy: Would you accept a Chinese guy in your life?

Woa.woa.woa. What the–??

———-

Me: Ba’t ba ang kulit kulit mo?

Guy: Eh, kahit sinong lalake naman ang ilagay mo sa lugar ko, sino ba namang hindi…

Me: Pwede namang hinde!

Guy: Pwede namang oo!

Aba’t sumasagot pa?!

———-

Guy: Kasi ikaw, ba’t ka nagpagupit? Nakakainis. Ikaw nalang kasi dapat ang date ko. Sige na ikaw na lang ang date ko! Pumayag mka na. Ibibili kita ng wig!

Ganooooon?? Maghanap ka ng date mo!

———-

Guy: Mapapasakin ka rin. Sakin ka rin babagsak makikita mo.

Ay, confident?

———-

Guy: Diba sabi mo it could have been any one? E di ibig sabihin it could have been me?

Wow, lakas ng fighting spirit! Sige lang.

———-

Guy: Sabihin mo lang. Kahit ngayon na ngayon na iiwan ko ang girlfriend ko para sayo. Sabi ko sayo handa na akong iwan ang lahat. Ang tanong lang iiwan ko ba ang lahat para sa taong walang pakialam?

Aba’y ewan ko sayo!

———-

Guy: Anung cup size mo? Bibigyan kita ng bra, promise. Sige na! wag ka nang mahiya.

Woah. Sana lang hindi ito ang first time nating magkikita after twelve years!

———-

Diba sabi mo magbabago ka na? Magpapakatino ka na? Kaya sana if you would give me a chance, I would like to have something special with you. A serious relationship. Sana lang naman. Pero kung hindi, at least I tried diba. Pero shempre…sana…

Wow, bilis kumambyo. Make up your mind dude. Abante ba o atras? Pero baka nga yung kambyo talaga ang kausap nya?

———-

Guy: I’m in love with your mind!

Yeah, so talk to my mind.

———-

Guy: Wag mo naman akong iwan please? Wag ka namang lumayo. Wag ka dun sa hindi na kita pwedeng maabot.

Hng? anu ka sinuswerte?

———-

Me: Kilala mo pala ko?

Guy: Oo naman, yang ganda mong yan hindi ko mapansin?

Me: –

Guy: Naging classmate ba kita?

Aahh.. sa ganda kong to pala ha?

——————————————–

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Morning Low

January 17, 2009, 6:00 am

I woke up wishing I had not woken up at all.

I barely slept. I had abdominal cramps. I had a bad cold I was breathing through my mouth. My head was thumping in pain and I had to drag my ass out of bed to get the nebulizer for my niece. She’s had fever since yesterday and today she’s having trouble breathing. Everything just felt so wrong. So opposite of the previous morning.

Life indeed is a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

But wouldn’t it be nice if life is Cadbury.

Morning High

January 16, 2009, 7:30 am

I woke up with a smile in my heart and a song in my head.

Laa dee daa…Dum de dum de daa..

It’s such a beautiful beautiful day! The sun is so up and shining. I hear birds chirping just outside the window and I have the whole day ahead of me without any plans whatsoever of what to do.

For a second there I thought I was waking up on a summer morning until I got up to feel the cold cold breeze.

Brrrrrr!…

It just can’t get any better than this at this time of the year.

You know that feeling when you just seem to have all the energy to conquer the world but you just don’t know where to start? That’s what I have right now. I am so high I can’t explain.

I Dated My Boss for Christmas

I know you must be thinking “oh no she didn’t!” but I so totally did. But let me say it again to make it clear. I (accidentally) dated my (ex-)boss last Christmas. Or did I just make it more complicated? I seem to be soo good at that. Making things complicated. So if you’ll ask me how it happened, I don’t know. I really don’t. It was the quickest two weeks of 2008 I don’t know if I can even recall everything right.

I say “accidentally” dated because i honestly never saw it coming. And I say “ex” boss because he was my former supervisor from the job which, incidentally, I resigned from about a month or two ago. I guess it started with a PM. I got one from him through my social networking site. Apparently he took time to browse through my profile and he had to comment on my pictures. Or something like that. Surprised with it, I replied with a happy message. Y’know, the usual shit. Then i got another one. This time he left his number.I was like, uh okay. I really didn’t feel the need to exchange numbers but then again I thought what the hell, it’s Christmas! So I did send him my number and viola! We were instant text friends.

That same day he invited me to a party. it was a Christmas gathering with his car club buddies in Tagaytay. I didn’t know what I was thinking when I said yes but I did. Hah. Next thing I knew he was picking me up and we were on the road to Tagaytay. It was five days before Christmas.

Though he promised we’d be back by midnight we never got to leave until around 2am. On the way back we decided to pick a little something to eat but we ended up hanging out at Carlo’s for roughly another hour. What’s funny about it was that all the tables around us had couples sitting so close together almost cuddling (because it was one hell of a cold night!) and we were there next to each other but a mile apart! Talk about awkward. Funny.

When we got back to Manila, fate decided to play a little game. We couldn’t find the way back home! For some effing reason I got all confused where to turn right or left that we got so lost. We practically didn’t know where we were and where we’re going. So he just continued driving. We ended up in Marikina. He said he spent some of his childhood days there or something. Whew. Well, at least one of us is familar with the place.

Nothing to do and nowhere to go we decided to just check out the place anyway. We strolled along the river bank and saw some very incredibly huge janitor fish (or at least that’s what I thought they were), crossed the creaky little wooden bridge and went to kill time on one of the benches there at the island park which name I don’t remember. At one point I thought, ” What the hell am I doing here with this guy at 4 in the morning?” But who cares. It was one of those carefree nights. It actually, somehow, reminded me of my old elbi days. The moon. The stars. Just staring at them with nothing else in mind. And what made the mood even more relaxed and easy is that I was sure it was an honest accidental “date”. It was a wholesome, no tension, no ulterior motive kind of thing. I was sure he wouldn’t try anything with me because he’s …him and I’m …me! I was just so sure of that.

Or so I thought.

It was almost sunrise when we decided to go home. After another few rounds of eenie-meenie-miny-moes, we finally found the right way back home. The bad side: he now knows where I live. I never let people know where to find me. I just don’t. It’s like showing Mr. Penguin where the batcave is. It spoils the mystery of the dark. I hate it. But this time I simply didn’t have a choice. But oh well. I did enjoy the thrill of the unplanned series of events so all in all it was a swell night. It was four days before Christmas.

I never thought we’d be friends. I mean we were friends back at the office but not like this. I remember the first thing I told him when he was still my supervisor. I told him if we met in high school and that if we were classmates he would be the type who I wouldn’t be friends with. I wouldn’t have talked to him. I just ate those words.

A day passed. It was three days before Christmas. We continued to be good text friends.

Then he “kindof” asked me out again. Actually he said he was just picking up some cakes as an errand fro his mom and that if I wasn’t doing anything and that if I liked carrot cake maybe I should go with him. Something like that. Funny. When he said that, I thought, if a guy who actually liked me used that line to get me to go with him it would be a definite hall-of-famer fro one of the lamest. But then again he’s my former boss with a 5-month pregnant girlfriend of seven years. He can’t be interested in me. Much less he can’t be courting me. So I looked at it as a very honest invitation to accompany him pick up a cake for his dear mother.

What’s odd about it though is that he’ll be coming from QC, the cake shop’s also just in the QC area and I’m in Pasig. I’m totally out of the way and he insisted that he’ll just “pick me up on the way”. Which was like huh? It was so whatever. I know I’m so retarded that sometimes I couldn’t even find my way back home but I still know where I live is totally off of his “on the way” route to the cake shop. Oh well, whatever.

I wasn’t doing anything anyway and I don’t particularly like carrot cake but I don’t hate it either so I said okay. It was two days before Christmas.

Alright, okay. I wasn’t really “not doing anything”. I was starting to prepare our dinner but I figured picking up a cake wouldn’t take that long and I still have an hour or so to spare. But I should have known better.

“Picking up the cake” took seven fucking hours!

When I got in his car he already had dozens of boxes of cakes in different sizes lined up at the backseat. He said there’s another batch of cakes he needs to pick up and that’s where he’d like me to come with him. Then he got one of the boxes and gave it to me. Wow! He really did get me a beautiful carrot cake. I felt like a little girl with candy. I had to eat it right there and then.

It was around five in the afternoon but we never really got to leave the Pasig area because we got into an exclusive village by mistake and we were just there driving around trying to find our way out. Hah. We were lost. Again. We were in QC at around 7 or 8. Guess what. Surprise, surprise! Since he was just doing an errand, it turned out he really didn’t know where exactly the shop was. We had to drive around the same area several times and stop to ask for directions (only after convincing him it’s the best thing to do because we were just running in circles and not getting anywhere. Sheesh! Guys and their inability to ask for directions) In short, for the second time that night (and the third time that we were together) we were lost.

Okay, so finally we got to the cake shop and he got to do whatever he had to do. There! I thought. We’re done. I could still make it to dinner at home if I hurry up. But then again I was surprised when he asked me to take one from the box that we just picked up. So I get a second cake? Woohoo. I liked it better than the first. It was an adorable little blue-green fondant cake with nice little snowflakes and beads or whatever. It was so cute it looked inedible. Really nice. Two cakes in one night. Was it one for each time that we got lost? heheh. i don’t know.

Then he said we should probably have a quick dinner before we head home. What can I say? he got me two little darling cakes. The least I could do was to agree to have dinner with him. He even made it sound like I was still doing him a favor. By agreeing to dinner, that is. Which he also paid for. Waitaminute. When I think about it all I really did was…to be there. LOL.

So there. We had dinner. Then when I thought he was going to drive me home, instead he drove around the area for another few minutes. Next thing I knew he was showing me the school he went to, the places he frequented and even their old home. Again I was like, uh okay. It was getting kindof weird. I was thinking, you really don’t just bring people you just met to your ancestral home or to your alma mater, do you? Very late at night at that. It was weird. I mean it was fine with me if it’s his way of being proud of where he’s from but I thought it was just information overload. I mean if it were me I would only disclose that much information with someone reeeeaaally close or really special, which I am neither to him. I just tried to dismiss the creepy idea and thought maybe we just happened to be in the area. No biggie.

Then as a last favor, he asked me if I could spare another few minutes as he has to drop off one of the cakes at his cousin’s place. Alright. For sure somebody had already done what I was supposed to do for dinner at home anyway and we already did have dinner ourselves so alright, whatever. Off we went to his cousins’. I got to meet them and they’re pretty cool people. Before I knew it it was our third or fourth round of beer with them and it was way past midnight. Realizing the time I said we should probably go and so we did.

On the way back, that’s when it happened. One of the things that I dreaded the most. He started by initiating serious conversation. It was about relationships if I recall it right. Then somewhere between the talking and the driving he did a little confession. Which I didn’t intend to take seriously until he literally stopped the car and parked it in the middle of nowhere just so he said we could talk-seriously. Mother of the damned.

He said he liked me. Even way before. But at that time I was often seen with another guy so he just kept quiet. HAH! But what about his very pregnant girlfriend? He told me their story. Or at least his side of it. Of how they have been on the rocks for some time now and that they have decided not to get married just because of the baby on the way. He said he will however take full responsibility of their child. But on top of it all, he would also like to try it with me. A serious relationship if I would give him a chance. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe I did. I laughed. Hey, don’t blame me. I also happen to know about his affair with one of the girls in the office. I didn’t know what to say or think. I know it’s nothing new.The lines are even all familiar now. Way too familiar that I almost said, “oh no! Not again!”

It was all too much to hear and believe in one night. And I just thought we were just to pick up some goddamn cakes. I don’t remember the exact things that I said as a response. Or if I responded at all. But I guess we just agreed to keep things cool. Maybe talk again once we’re sober. Yeah, I guess that was it. It was 2 in the morning. It was one day before Christmas.

Next day, or rather later in the afternoon until that night he was saying he wanted to see me. I decided to not see him and just figure out what to do with him first. I mean all had been to well, and I really honestly at some point saw him as a potential real good friend but it was all shattered down again by what he said the last time. So it wasn’t a no-ulterior-motive-kindof-thing after all. Sigh.

Then it was Christmas Day. He invited me to another party. I said yes. mainly because I have decided to just start anew and wipe the slate clean. I am not going to make a big deal out of his recent confession. He’ll get over it, I thought. Or I hoped. Turned out, it was the same set of friends that he introduced me to in Tagaytay. There was food, mixed drinks, booze, stories on the table. Same old shit. I don’t know what his friends were thinking about us or about me and who I was to him but I would have to guess they must think I’m his girlfriend. Worse they must have thought I was his bitch. LOL. Unthinkable. But oh well, who cares. It was around three in the morning when we left the party.

Before going home we had a quick breakfast at MacDonalds and decided to just hang out there in the car in the parking lot until it was almost sunrise. We just talked. About stuff. About his “issues” and mine. I told him bout how it would be best if he wouldn’t expect anything from me, with regard to being anything more than friends. Good thing we were both sober and calm and awake from the coffee because everything seemed clear and settled. I got home at peace and my mind clear. It was the day after Christmas.

I thought that was the last of him. But apparently it wasn’t. Or wasn’t YET.

We continued to be constant text friends. Updating each other what’s up and about.

It was two days after Christmas.I was at the mall with my sister and i happened to have mentioned it to him. With another string of lame excuses, he went there to join us and offered to drive us home.

I expected him to just drop us off but somewhere between saying goodbye and entering the gate, somebody called out to him and invited him to hang out for a while. It was Susan, our house help. Seconded by my sister. Rats! It was a trap. To cut the story short he got to meet all of my family–something I don’t ordinarily do with my friends unless they’re really close to me. Oh man. What have I done. What have I gotten myself into. This is not good. It might just be interpreted as something else. By him, by my family. Groan!
But oh well.
Though I know we have agreed to just keep it cool and I know he knows what I mean by that, that same night just after he left I just had to remind him of the situation and that meeting my family didn’t mean anything. That it just happened. He said he understood. Which was a relief for me. That’s one thing I’ve learned to appreciate about him. He’s actually a civilized human being unlike some other guys I have been with. He seems to easily understand and see the big picture when I say “let’s be friends”.
The following day, we didn’t talk. No messages whatsoever. I figured he must have realized what everything was about and what he should really be doing with his life.
Then it was four days after Christmas. He sent me a rather lengthy message about what he thought of the “special” week with me, which was nice because he really seemed to have cleared his head. i didn’t have much to say. I know I’ve already said everything I had to say.
But I guess he just had to give it another shot before finally giving up.

The next day, five days after Christmas,

My sister and I took our little brother and our nephew to the movies. We (he and I) were still so texting that time and of course we’d still update each other what we’re up to.
On our way home, he texted me saying he actually followed us to the movies and that since he knew what movie we were watching (because I told him), he was gonna try his luck and look for me. Woa. he intended to “surprise” me. hmm.  Well, too bad because he was literally two seconds late because we just got ourselves a ride home. if he hadn’t been all too late, it would have been a sweet move actually. But that’s not what happened. And feeling stupid and disappointed he just called me and said he’ll just follow us home and drop by anyway. So he did.
So since he already knows where I live (see? see? that’s what i’m telling you. when people know where to find you it all becomes a different story) he had that much courage. Hah.
I didn’t even let him in. We were downstairs, just by the gate and we were talking. When I asked him what he was trying to achieve with what he’s doing ( i honestly think he should just sleep or take some rest because he was still from last night’s shift, which means he hasn’t had any sleep yet and again he has work to do that night) he said he was just happy to see me. And that before the year ends, it would really make him happy if he could spend some time with me. Awww. Fine. It would have been perfect had we been just another two potential lovers out there. But we were not just any other two people. The situation that we were both in, and the situations that we have as individuals are just not gonna make a good picture.
I was actually telling him to just do what’s right for his…family. I was mostly concerned of the baby. I know before I came into the picture (or rather before he put me in it) they may be having problems already but I asked him to give credit to his long time girlfriend because for one, she’s fucking pregnant and two, “officially” breaking up with her the day before Christmas (that’s what he said he did and according to some of my friends at the office the girl indeed had puffy eyes on Christmas Eve!) is 10/10 stupid and insensitive. To cut it all short, I was there giving him a good scolding.
But I wasn’t even halfway done with him when my sister called me on my cell from upstairs telling me to let my visitor in instead of staying where we were. For the second time I had to let him in and introduce him to everybody. But I was really getting uncomfortable with the idea that he was there again that I had to be rude and drag him downstairs and asked him to leave. But in a nice way. Rude but in a nice way, eh? I don’t know but  that’s how it was.
Again, after that incident there was another exchange of messages reiterating what we’ve already talked about. I just hoped that it would sink in to him this time.
And I guess it did. Because as the year came in, he has not been as courageous and “hopeful” as he was at first. And last time I checked he was again having dinner with his girlfriend (yey!) and as he puts it, he’s just trying to make up for the rough patches.
We’re still occasional text friends. We still say our hi’s and hello’s ang good morning’s and good night’s. But that’s really all there’s to it. And I’m happy about it. Not a bad outcome for what started out as an “accidental date”.

I won

I won not because of fate. Not because of luck. But because I chose to. Winning is not always about just betting or plainly taking chances and getting Lady luck by your side. Sometimes you also have to work on it. Winning is an end result. Which means there is an in-between series of events before it happens. And I like to be in touch with reality while I’m in that moment. It helps me remember what I am there for–to win. Why? For a lot of reasons. One is to prove you have control over the things that happen to you. To prove that there really isn’t such a thing as destiny.  You always have a choice. When I bet on something, I don’t pray that it works. I don’t ask for luck. I work on it.

I bet I won’t fall. I worked on it. Hard, but I did it. I won. It was a good bet

Fish

Another reason why I won’t be tied up with a serious boyfriend just yet: there are a lot of fish in the sea.

Very true. And I haven’t even tried reaching the deep.

***** asked me earlier if he could court me. Then he said if I’m not doing anything tomorrow maybe we could have dinner together. I haven’t even replied yet when he asked me if I would accept a Chinese guy in my life. Woa.

I just told him I don’t have any problem with the courting thing and I don’t discriminate. It’s just too bad I’m out of town I can’t have dinner with him (he’s in Manila). Maybe next time…

At around that same time ##### also asked me out to have coffee with him later tonight. And since we’ve been text friends since forever and I’m in town (here in Los Baños) I said yes.

I was 30 minutes late. But oh well. I’m a diva so it’s fine. LOL. I had cold coffee and he had a beer. We chatted for a while. Talked about old college days. The usual stuff. We had to cut it short, though, because he has to go to work very early the next day. He walked me home and we said good night. Maybe next time…

Later on, while I was checking out some stuff on the net, %%%%% signed in and sent me an IM. Said he was bored. I’ve only really met him once when he was informally introduced by a friend. We’ve always talked about meeting up but so far we haven’t had the time. But we’ve always seen each other through webcam. He’s such a cutie. We did that again today. Saw each other but only for a little bit. The wireless signal isn’t too good here the connection keeps going in and out I decided to just cut it off. Maybe next time…

I just signed out when I got a text message from xxxxx, a long-lost friend. Asked me if we could have a couple of beers. Turns out he’s also in town. I figured maybe we could do some catching up so I agreed to meet up with him. It’s just a little after midnight anyway. The night is young.

We shared a bottle of beer. Talked for a while. Then I realized he had other stuff in mind. I never really saw him in that light so it was kindof weird for me. Anyhow we ended up in his room. We made out but we didn’t have sex. I can’t. Maybe next time…

It was past five in the morning when I got home.

———————————————————————-

This is a day in my life.

See. Do you think if I’m tied to one official boyfriend, I would be able to do any of these without guilt? I don’t think so.

Go fishing!

Technorati Tags: boys,freedom,going out

 

Trip to Jerusalem

And the journey continues.

I have come to decide to leave and move on from one phase of my life to another.

It’s been a short-lived affair with the real world. Two years. Taught me a lot of things. Gained me new friends. Made me appreciate more of life. But not enough to make me stay.

I just have to move on. Because I know there is a lot more out there waiting to happen. Waiting for me. That even in my busiest, loudest times I hear the calls and cries for my name and that it’s just impossible to shut them up. Because partly, they’re also what kept me going.

Now all I have to do is to seek for those voices and where exactly they are coming from. Maybe, just maybe, if I find myself among them, my soul would feel peace and finally get to rest. And maybe I would find it  a good reason to keep still and stay.

But if not, well, then, the journey simply continues. And nothing is stopping me.

You Think Your Ex Hates You?

Hatred is a very strong emotion.  And when that’s what you have for someone you were once intimate with, it means passion still exists.  It’s just channeled differently.  You are so angry, because you still care.

Often, you get angry with yourself for caring.  You can’t let it go emotionally so you use anger to push them away.

Now, why do you get the same bad treatment from that person? Because most likely, you are going through the same ordeal.

That cold shoulder you get when you’re around them is a coping mechanism.  It’s a wall to protect their feelings.  Just like how you are protecting yours. Notice how you do the same “i hate you” signs to protect yourself from going in deeper shit. Sometimes it’s also called pride. A personal shell. Which if aggravated becomes a wall.

The worst thing you could do is try to knock it down.  Every time you try to break through — a thicker one is built.

Don’t be afraid to feel hatred. It’s normal. They always say hate is the opposite of love. Actually, it isn’t. Indifference is. Because with hate, you still try to send your message across no matter how violent it may be. It means you still care. But with indifference, there is nothing. No feelings of any kind. You just don’t care anymore.

So what do you do?

Back off.  Give both of yourselves time to adjust and rationalize how and what you really feel.  Usually it only takes a few weeks if you don’t pressure yourself.  Eventually that wall crumbles all on its own.

 

 

 

 

**adapted from: I Think My Ex Hates Me  http://twjackson.wordpress.com